Pulling Me Home

Today is Mom's Day.

I love being a mom.

Deeply. 

I do cry a lot, pray a lot, analyze a lot, ask forgiveness a lot, marvel a lot, sigh a lot, fret a lot, let go a lot and most days feel like I give a lot.

But I also receive a lot.

Today as I counted roses to put in vases for my mom and mom-in-love, my mommy heart breathed in deeply.

1-2-3-4-5-6...

6 roses to represent my six babies.

And there Number 5 rose caused me to linger a little while longer on the bouquet.
Tears falling silently on the velvet petals.

My Number 5.

Oh, how she is missed.

Sometimes, when my children are all at the kitchen table (which gets rarer and rarer these days), I have this faint feeling that I am still waiting for someone. Like the last guest hasn't arrived to the party yet.

It is fleeting. 

It is just a thin thread that runs through my mind. 

But it is there.

That thread of 'waitfulness' weaves with the threads of joy and fullness and contentment and happiness and love and blankets my soul. A soul that longs for the day when all things will be made 'new.' 

And then this thread extends out to others. Those that carry the sadness of ashes, having faith that this is where He makes beauty spring forth. 

This thread tethers us together as we journey 'home.' 

Where, one day, at the end of this thread, I will find Him. And see He is using that thread to pull me to Him.

And then I will continue on to find her.

And I will finally feel like the party can begin.

Heartstrings

When I was little, I came from a home that didn't recognize many traditions. My mother did her best, but being from another country, she really didn't know how to incorporate Western traditions into our home. And because of her harsh and humble upbringing, she didn't have the memories to incorporate Asian traditions either. So I found myself desiring that sense of identity even before I got married.

When I started dating Dale I would look forward to visiting his mom's house at the beginning of every season. She would decorate her table to match the seasons...paper mache Santas, raffia Easter trees, Spring tulips, poinsettias... Dale grew up with all this and probably took for granted, but it was such a draw for me. As soon as we got married, I collected nativities and Easter eggs and hearts to rotate through the season. I started establishing certain traditions in our home, even before we started having kids. I am not sure Dale even realized it :).

Then when we started having kids, traditions started taking roots...

It's a Wonderful Life played during Christmas tree decorating...elaborate birthday dinners picked by the birthday person... special, fancy Valentine's dinner... green mashed potatoes on St. Patrick's Day...

. 

Through the years I have questioned myself on the traditions I have started. Sometimes it seems like a lot of work, and I have tried to streamline many of them along the way. But at the end of the day, I am glad that Dale and I poured ourselves in taking the time to make those memories. In our big family, sometimes people can get lost in the shuffle. Maybe someone didn't listen to his sibling long enough when she was describing her day. Or maybe someone needs an extra dose of love and affirmation. Traditions seem to help ground our family. It makes us stop and really focus on those who live with us under the same roof. 

When everyone goes their own way and begin their own families, I pray that they will remember the times we invested in them through love, words of affirmation, prayers and celebrations. I pray this will help tie our family's heartstrings together . I pray that these roots of traditions will blossom into love in their hearts and help stabilize them in a shaky, harsh world. 

And I pray that they will always know that no matter where their worlds may take them, they will always have a place at our table...green mashed potatoes and all. :)

Our "fancy" Valentine's Dinner

Making homemade pizza for our dinner

Bible Time

Through the years, we have tried different ways to incorporate Family Bible Time. This year, I stumbled on a great resource...The Bible Project.

We start off as a family watching the video over viewing the book in the Bible we are going to read. Then we start reading the chapters in the book. Or we mix-it up and find an audio version of the chapter to listen to as we read along.

The kids have loved the videos and even beg me to go onto the next. My 11-year-old even read ahead in his Bible to see what would come next. And my four-year-old drew pictures (with the help of her older sister) as we listened and I could recognize key themes/figures in our reading: Noah, Tree of Good and Evil, Adam and Eve:).

Reading the Bible is so important. There are no greater joys as a mom than to see my children love His Word and have a heart for Him. :)

Small

Have you ever had one of those days when you felt 'small'?

Today was one of those days. 
(Which is kinda funny because my word of the year is 'small'.)

I woke up and felt a heavy burden that pushed on my chest, weighing me down until I felt very...small.

I opened social media and read about friends having a great time together that morning and my heart sank and I felt really...small.

I looked at my calendar and saw all my deadlines ahead of me, my throat started closing in and I felt extremely...small.

I saw all the housework in front of me and the tears started bubbling up and I felt tremendously...small.

The more the day progressed, the more small and depressed I became.

I wanted to post, text, Instagram... 

"Hey, do you see me? Do you remember me? I really could use a friend right now."

And then I remembered to look up.

In the big scheme of things, I am small.
But He is big.
And He knows every small detail of my life.
I am not invisible to Him.
He truly gets me and He loves me.
In fact the Bible says..

 "You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?" (Psalm 56)

So my tears turned into prayers and I knew He was storing them in His bottle.

When I am small, He is big. 

I can run to His big, loving arms and feel swallowed up in His big love. 

And you know what? I really don't mind feeling small anymore.

Home

Not professionally photographed...
Not professionally decorated...
Not even professionally edited:)...

But it is

HOME...