This year I was humbled to be the guest speaker at the 2015 Walk to Remember. Only Tori was able to attend because my other children were under the weather. It was a special day as I witnessed such tender moments with other families who were remembering their sweet babies waiting for them in Heaven.
Here is an excerpt of my story that I was able to share...
..In so many ways, my story began over 25 years ago when I was a freshman in college going out on my first date with the boy next-door who was also college senior. This boy 'splurged' and took me to Taco Bell and I remembering picking at my food because I was so nervous. But I was able to get out two topics that I felt were very important.
The first thing I wanted to check was something my childhood preacher always told me, "Karen, you marry who you date." So I wanted to find out about his relationship with the Lord to see if there would be another date :). Well, thankfully, he passed that test.
Secondly, I shared with him that even though I had chosen a career in accounting (which later became teaching), my dream one day was get married and be a momma to six children. Well, he passed that test too because he didn’t run. (Although years later I found out he really didn’t believe me.) :)
Fast forward and I did marry that boy-next door, Dale, and 15 years later we had four beautiful children. All were born via c-sections with the last two being extremely difficulty c-sections. In fact, with my fourth child, the on-call doctor showed Dale, as I laid on the operating table, a window that had torn into my womb and then gave Dale a stern warning that my baby days were over. Dale knew this news would break my heart, so he didn’t share that with me for a few weeks.
And I will say, hearing the news made me sad. My heart was so grateful for my new baby and all my children, but I remember asking Jesus to take my strong desire for more children away or supernaturally fulfill that desire. This was bigger than me! And I didn’t care if it was through fostering or adopting, or even biologically.
Well, in 2009, after four years of earnestly praying, God answered that prayer with a ‘yes’ as I saw two faint pink lines appear on a pregnancy test. We were overjoyed …cautious and nervous, but overjoyed.
Because I was now considered Advanced Maternal age (sigh), I received the best medical care. My pregnancy was heavily monitored and I flew through those 9 months with flying colors. We had set the date for my c-section for October 19th and my four sweet little children spent the weeks before helping me wash all the baby clothes for our little girl that we had now named
Rebekah Joy.
On October 13, the Thursday morning before my scheduled c-section, I woke up really concerned because I really hadn’t felt any movement from Rebekah Joy. Even though I thought it was because she was running out of room, I decided to go ahead and go to the doctor to see. Dale met me there and I remember the nurse putting the monitor on my belly. Soon there was a sound of a heartbeat and she said, ‘See, there is your baby’s heartbeat. Everything is just fine.” I remember fixing my eyes on Dale and just half-whispering,
“That is not her heartbeat. That is mine. She is on the other side.”
Well, the nurse moved the monitor and I looked up in time to see her face fall as she rushed out the room.
Then everything went into hyper-speed. My doctor came in with a wheelchair and I remember Dale asking if he should call family and she said that would be a good idea. Then she literally ran pushing my wheelchair through the Women’s Center to Triage. The nurses there quickly started prepping me surgery and hooking me up to the monitors.
After a few minutes, my doctor came in and gently sat beside me She started crying and she said six words that changed my life in an instant,
“Oh, Karen, there is no movement.”
Even though I had already knew it, a deep wail came out of my soul as I cried out loud to God. But then I blanket a peace...as mentioned in Philippians 4:7...a peace which surpasses all understanding came over me and stayed with me.
Later that night after surgery, Dale placed beautiful Rebekah Joy in my arms. She was perfect with a head full of brown hair that swirled on her crown just like her siblings. Even though my heart hurt so much, I wanted to memorize every little detail of her...the way her toes looked, the creases in her fingers, her little button nose, the folds in her ears. I leaned into her sweet cheeks and whispered,
"You are God's beautiful masterpiece. You are His creation. I love you so much, baby girl. Now go and live with Jesus."
And with that I let my beautiful baby girl go.
After the explanation of a true knot in her umbilical cord and all the busyness of the next two days in the hospital with visitors and loved ones and so many people coming to pray for me and Dale…it was now time to go home. I have experienced a lot of difficult moments in my life, but two of the hardest things I ever had to do happened on that day.
Leaving the hospital with a broken heart and empty arms
and entering my home with four little broken hearts and an empty cradle.
My grief journey was beginning and now was the time when the rubber hit the road with my faith. Did I believe everything about Jesus that I confessed for so many years? Did I believe He is really good? That He is faithful and that his grace is sufficient? I would love to stand here and tell you that I was strong, that it was an easy journey. But I will confess I was not strong and like the Bible song I learned as a child echoed in my heart…"when I am weak, He is strong.” I learned to lean on His strength.
When people ask me what grief feels like, I share that for me it was like a heavy suffocating blanket. I remember those first few months I would physically let out heavy sighs because I felt so out of breath. But on those hard days when I cried out to God from lack of breath from the heavy grief, those are the days I felt His close presence…in a sense I felt His breath.
I also have found God’s promises are true.
And now when I read in 2 Corinthians that Jesus says, ‘My grace is sufficient’ I believe it... not only because Jesus said it in the Bible—I believe it because I’ve experienced it.
My rote answers and knowledge of God has been replaced with a deep understanding of God’s character not just from his Word but from experiencing His promises….He says, “I will never leave or forsake you, I will bind up you wounds, I am close to the broken-hearted.” He tells me that He collects all my tears in a bottle. I am not forgotten.
And I personally grew confident that God would accomplish the purpose He had for Rebekah Joy’s life in the number of days that he gave to her.
